9 months on HRT and my body.

In this update we get slightly political and very real. Then we lighten things up when I show you my body!

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Prison industry Pt.1

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On September 6, 2013 I was arrested by the Boston police department for assault by means of intimidation. The allegation was that I had intimidated someone with a large kitchen knife. On October 21, 2014 the charges where dropped because I like the rest of us have the right to a speedy trial. The original complainant never showed up to court for the 5 or so court dates we were given in the year between the two dates.

I was fresh from what I will always remember like a divorce. I found a room in Mission hill and moved in to what I felt would be a good place to start fresh. My goal was to stabilize and get my shit together to blast into the next phase of my life. A phase I filled with my own home, freedom, travel and passion. The woman who rented the space will be referred to as N. N was a short plump woman with a warm endearing smile who’s child like eyes sparkled from her aged face when she was intrigued. She had a thick spanish accent of the singey italian inspired sort that added a little humor to everything she said. Something the I learned new appreciation for in the aftermath. We became friendly quickly, sometimes she would ask me to accompany her on the porch where she liked to sit in the evenings and we would chat about everything and nothing. As the days wore on I saw flashes of emotional instability in N’s behavior and speech pattern but I felt it harmless, nothing more than a bit quirky.

Thirty days after I moved in N disappeared for about a week and returned with the news that she had cancer. She said that she had been given a grave prognosis based on the type and it’s stage of development. The sparkle had gone from her eyes. This effected me deeply because I know how preventable cancer is and I cared for her. It hurt personally to watch as the words of a trained prescription writer drove her further and further into despair. I stayed close to N and offered assistance in any way possible including complementary bodywork and playing driver for appointments. During one early trip to the hospital I made the mistake of being 15 minutes late to retrieve N, at this moment everything changed. Things deteriorated so quickly that it is hard to explain without it seeming as if this happened over a longer time. Within a week the living situation felt almost unbearable, antagonistic comments were made at every meeting.  By two weeks out I had the police called on me the first time of two and I wasn’t even there. This made it very clear my presence was not wanted so I turned my efforts toward seeking other quarters.

Looking back its clear that every move I made toward emotional detachment only escalated things. I had gone about it all wrong. I had been cold and aloof in response to her displays of emotion which were cries for caring. They were vitriolic and caustic on the surface but tender and longing deep down. Hindsight has a way of clearing all the cloudiness and I see the facts now. I was playing the role I was because I was there because I was available and cared. It seems natural to attack those closest to us. Although in my mind I was just a roommate with a distain for the medical establishment and talent for empathy I was a brave youthful pillar for her. She asked me because she felt close to me and needed some help. She had family close but I was there. I had been a warm soul to rest on when things were really going to shit, yet in her mind I had let her down. From her point of view now that she had shown her teeth I had no care for her in her state of poor health. I was a deserter like the boyfriend of 11 years who had been dishonest over and over then disappeared when she shared the diagnosis. I had no tools for dealing with such an emotionally intense situation so I completely shut down. I was still reeling from a personal emotionally intense situation, I wasn’t able to deal with another.

By September 5, two months after I moved in I had been looking for a new place to live for a few weeks. I had been staying away as much as possible hiking in the city and its parks when I wasn’t working. I arrived back at the residence around 5:00 to have dinner. I was making soup with white beans and I was chopping kale when N approached me from behind. The vitriol this time covered several subjects including me cooking too much. I very calmly and cooly informed N that I was done responding to her goading behavior and continued what I was doing. This only stoked her into an explosion of attacks to my character. It got more and more vicious but because one who has known another only two months hasn’t much material it also became ridiculous and improvisational. I laughed hard, I shook, shed tears and ached with humor. My brain was tickled by the absurdity of everything and I exploded jollily. I called my mom to both break me away from the situation and share it. N disappeared upstairs and the next significant even was the police walking in the door.

Her story was that I had come at her with the knife I was chopping kale with when the police walked in. The tale changed often, sometimes I lunged with the knife sometimes I swung it sometimes I pointed it but the basic allegation was clear. We were separated and asked some questions then I was arrested. I sat in jail for about 5 hours and when I got out I was not allowed to return to the residence. I slept on a friend’s floor, I was angry I was hurt I got burned out I freaked out I moved home and moved back in a span of 8 months. N never showed up for a single court date and It all got dropped after over a year of being given new dates. Oh but the things I saw the things learned in such a short space are integral to my survival, you may find them the same. Stay tuned. ♥

Then it was quite

Night fell as I crossed into pennsylvania and it all became colorful sparkles on an endless black sky. I stopped in philadelphia for some late dinner around 11. As I sat in cantina Los Caballeros scarfing down the vibrant mixture of lettuce avocado oranges carrots and several other colorful clippings I half listened to to the barmaid talk with regulars. Although they had deepened the colors of the day had not faded and I was eager to make ground so my mind was on the road. Midnight saw me thanking the very proper young lady for the satisfying vittles and tolerating my very spaced out less conversational state of being. I took to the night air stretched, breathed and turned again to my journey.

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The world was silent. In the depths of night I entered a toll plaza somewhere in New Jersey. I slowed and noted there seemed to be only one booth in operation, everything was dimly lit. I retrieved my wallet and adjusted the volume on the stereo. A cool chill and a nagging confusion brought everything into focus as I turned to ask the cost of the toll, it wasn’t listed on the outside like I’m used to. The extremely thin woman raised her willowy finger and with an inaudible whisper indicated the toll to be one dollar. Her dull black hair lightly fluttering on her shoulders with the wind. She reminded me of witch lore. Silence and this.

 

Holy hiatus

It’s been a while since I sat down and set out to do this and I have to say friends… it feels good. My site even physically went away for a while there for a lot of you after I lost my URL. A fiasco that happened under my nose and was a miniature disaster for me but also was an easy and auspicious fix after a wait. During which I didn’t feel impatient or even think about it much because I was working out my own mental patterns and making necessary alterations. It’s something how one can do so much of this and feel so smart and live right into seeing how off they are. At any rate, I have my url back and am therefore back in business.

I have been working on some new projects and taking my art in some different directions. I’m stoked about the piece I’m working on now because its a complete departure from my drawings. Not really though because I did draw the outlines on the canvas first. I have been expressing through paint and it feels amazing! There is something that much more satisfying about expressing with color. That is why I so often end up adding marker or color pencil to my work when I get deeper into it. Any way I am super into this piece and I know its important because of the way it feels as it comes. I also keep thinking of these lyrics by the Black Eyed Peas “ma man I’m loving this piece” they mean peace but its the phonetics. This is a much bigger template than I typically work with which feels great as well. Its liberating to break out of the 8 1/2 by 11 world!

I also picked up a delivery job at night and that has been taking over many of my nights for a few weeks now. I picked up the job in an attempt to earn some extra and to supplement for these later summer months when things have predictably slowed down with massage and bodywork. It’s working out great for extra money and I actually kind of like driving around the city late night. It seems to me though that the establishment cannot keep anyone doing the whole thing for long. I wanted very part time but I have worked more than 40 hours all 3 weeks I have been there and even when I’m not there I have people calling or texting me to ask for coverage. I have to have time to live, to sleep, to work on my art and of course for my career. Something that seems to be hard to understand for the other people who work there even though they are consumed by this restaurant monster too. Its a glaring example of the difference between being awake and in tune with ones true purpose and just being a work zombie. I am selling off my labor, dancing with the slave master to get what I want only. I will not be manipulated into misguided loyalties that take me off my own track and put me on someone else’s. Use what I allow you to use of me and attempt to take nothing more or you will fail.

All in all the scene has been a constantly shifting one that looking back over makes me chirp “holy hiatus”. I like it though, it all turns me on a bit. Here is my current pet I’m sure you want to slap me by now for raving about and an example of one of my pencil drawings that fell into the kaleidoscope in my mind.❥❥

WAMPencil, marker, acrylic

IMG_2164 IMG_2176Acrylic and a little pencil and pen. 34×34 :-D. These still feel unfinished. This is the progression.