But I don’t wanna go home.

This year I moved home and I had a legitimate meltdown. I thought how can I go live with my parents after living in my own place for so long? Living with the family is a situation that so many in my generation are facing it seems. Some avoid the headache and just don’t leave. Even when I have talked to those in the previous generation about this, the response has been “I had to as well”. This makes me feel less alone and therefore less crappy but the issue of how to manage is still there for someone who has tasted the freedom of life on their own or with peers.

When I say my own place I mean not with my family, I always had roommates and then I lived with my ex partner. What i’m saying is I was used to making my own rules and structuring my own environment. Now the latter part is the only place where I really have any difficulty or even expected to. My parents are pretty freedom loving people themselves and definitely understand that i’m an adult. But I’m very needing of privacy and I do not like to explain my actions even in the most mundane of circumstances. Families just aren’t designed that way, all persons are an extension of the whole so naturally the boundaries of individuality can get blurred and I just didn’t know how I would manage that.

I thought what the hell am I going to do there! How am I going to maintain my personal/mental space? Where will I do my yoga? What the fuck is going on with my emotions right now?! On the one hand I just didn’t want to move back to where I had moved from. I thought nooooo I left there for a reason. I also thought, I’m no quitter, I have done this for 6 years straight and I can do this without going home. But on the other hand I thought I must be entertaining the idea of this for a reason. That exploded into a host of reasons, it was like I had picked a whole into a dam and the current of issues came in. For one thing it was completly rediculous that I had paid $900 a month for a tiny one bedroom rat box for a year and a half. Then it was ridiculous to be paying $600 a month for somebody’s converted garage bedroom with everything else shared between 4 people. To make life a little bit more fun the lady I was renting from was completely cray! I had a horrobly traumatic experience where my ethnicity and my sexuality where attacked, I was falsely arrested and then harassed and slandered after the fact. I escaped with my life and my sanity but the experience showed me that its not such a good Idea to be 900 miles away from family and people who care about my well being until I was more than stable financially. The truth is the dollar rules right now and I never understood that as completely as I do now.

I thought I want to own a home soon but I didn’t see that happening in Boston with the cost of living still rising. I had learned much about the massage profession and operating as a professional in general. My work was becoming quite lucrative for me but I was putting it all into living in the 2nd or 3rd most expensive city in the country. For the first time in my life I was actually making a living, but it was like I had gone nowhere. I was paying way too much to live in anyplace, its just a piece of land. I had built no security for myself and I had been shown that enemies strike when they sense a breech in security. Which got me thinking, if I can do this here then I can go home and do it, be able to make more of my finances and help my family. So through my tears, angst and literally struggling to do anything with the burden of complete burnout on my shoulders. I used the scraps of money I was able to force myself to earn to buy a ticket BOS to CLT packed what I could of what I had left and went home to my family.

Honestly I’m happy to be back with the people who there are no doubts about. I know they love me unconditionally, not just because I agree with their opinions, or laugh at their jokes, or because I’m always in a good mood. Now that we have the mushy stuff out of the way… YES it is just as difficult as I thought it would be and I dream of the day I’m in my own place again. I think the hardest part is that were really our truest self with our family, I know that seems like a good thing but think about it. When your with strangers and your in a bad mood the default response is to cover it up with a smile until you can get around the corner and sneer. But with our family we typically feel as comfortable as we do by ourselves so its a lot harder to keep the drama to ourselves. For the same reason we can also get dragged into family drama that really has nothing to do with us because we can see all issues as family issues.

So here is what I have learned. Last things first, family members’ issues are just that, Theirs. Of course be a shoulder and even offer advice if appropriate but by no means insert yourself, we are all capable and required to deal with our own problems even if we need a little guidance to do so. This includes intrafamilial conflict, for instance if mom and dad are pissed at each other its not your job to swoop in and squash it at least not directly. I will talk to each party about individual issues and give honest feedback regarding my observations. But I will not talk to anyone for anyone else or mediate anything other than calm rational mutual conversations.

As far as my personal needs and issues go I have learned that honesty is the best policy. No one can know how to help you if you don’t tell them what you need. This is not just the case relative to family either, its been invaluable in all my relationships. I know that I need my personal space so when I need it I take it and there are no hurt feelings because I have simply explained that it makes me easier to be around. As I said I don’t like to explain my actions and I need to maintain a sense of personal privacy so I do not answer questions I don’t want to answer, kindly and respectfully of course. As long as you make it clear that you’re not withholding information because you want to be mean but that these boundaries are important to you most people will respect them in the interest of peace.

The reality is most of the things that we dread in others are just projections of our own psychology. Yes I am an adult and my parents definitely realize that I am. The key was me remebering that I am an adult and not reverting back to old ways of dealing with my family. Talking to them and reasoning with them like an adult familiarizes them with me as I am now. The golden nugget in this whole experience has been that I get to relate to my parents in a different way than I did when I last lived under a roof with them. They are still my parents but I have been getting to see dimensions of their lives and personalities that I never did before. I have learned things that were secrets before, gotten deeper understanding on how they feel and felt about past events. I’ve even gained a better understanding of how they see me, all of which somehow helps me understand myself better. I think the best thing is you get to see how much they miss you when your not around, that really they always want you close just because of who you are and that feels good. ♥

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Who needs money?

Only what I need

I strive to be this way, able to live in this environment with positive impact. Thriving on what nature offers while contributing to the collective. Massage is a profession the art of healing is what my spirit does. I have been looking for a way to reconcile having my needs met with the desire to offer healing and wellness to everyone, not just those who have money for those who don’t typically need it most.

Sometimes all one has to do is rethink the dilemma. I heard it said in a permaculture lecture that the problem is the solution. The words rang in my head and the answer came to me like a train. I have no money, so the answer is to have no money. I realized I would rather barter anyway so I am removing pricing from my site. I can’t eat money, I need food, shelter, recreation transportation and bodywork for my own pain. These are the things I would pay for with your money anyway so why not cut out the middle man. If we are going to free ourselves from the wage slavery we’re facing, I believe we have to be each other’s way out. This is my declaration of independence, lets barter!

Duality in balance

This is representative of the nature of my life force. Although I have always come off as proud and confident even to myself, I had no idea of the struggle my subconscious mind was going through. The confusion I was carrying around was so buried. This year has been filled with emotional and psychological hard work for me. It’s been about digging deep and finding out what I’m really made of. Clearing those bones from my closet and freeing myself to fly 💔+🔥+💪=💖

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Excuse my beauty

Ok so sex sells. Yes I know this, we all know this, but WTF is up with our generation (20 and 30 somethings)? We have taken this to the next level, wherein sex sells EVERYTHING including Ideas. I blasted about this website over and over on my Facebook the day it launched. I got crickets. The main way that I did this was by posting photos of some of marketing, my logo complete with the web address and the whole shebang so to speak. I got nothing really, maybe one like and I guess I sensed a few “good for yous” from the other side of cyberspace but it was bleak to say the least. Of course like everyone else I have many people I barely know as Facebook friends. But I also have some really good real friends on Facebook. I mean people I have known all or most of my life plus the people I have known for years from school and things like that so I was definitely shocked.

I gave it 24 hours and the response was still looking minimal so I thought well what the hell could I be doing wrong? Then I thought about this… Anytime that I have posted a photo I have gotten a much better response especially if it was one that I had put some effort into. My analytical psychology obsessed brain did a little dance and I thought ok social experiment time. I pulled out my camera phone set my coils free and began snapping. The photo I ended up with was honestly good stuff, if I must say so (insert cheeky smirk). I posted the photo and the response was a completely different story! several comments and likes in the teens which is damn good for me. On the one hand this felt good but I also couldn’t help thinking what the hell?! Here I am trying to share my life and my passions with these people and they don’t give a rats ass, but I show em my modeling chops and looky looky. It was definitely a smh moment.

Oh don’t think I’m preaching because I am susceptible to the same visual stimulation as everyone else, I would just like to think that it doesn’t affect my judgment when it comes to receiving information. Really its not our fault, we have been trained to take our goodies from beautiful people by our society. Television is definitely the main culprit with it’s carefully designed brain numbing programming sandwiched between commercial breaks brimming with subliminal messaging. And then for reinforcement we have the slightly less invasive print versions of the same psychological attacks. This set up serves its purpose perfectly. It keeps us all feeling shitty about the way we look, while teaching us that we should worship hotness. All to keep us buying garbage we don’t need, our self loathing and insecurity are just nasty little useful side affects.

Under this kind of mind control how can our attention be grabbed by much other than a nice photo? Even if it is our friend it’s like “I don’t want to hear it, show me a nice picture dammit.” Honestly, I know the very subtle subconscious feeling well. I disconnected from that horror box we call TV about 5 years ago and I still notice ways it has affected my thinking. Since I have though my confidence, mental security, and connection to my intuition have grown by leaps and bounds. I had no “modeling chops” before I disconnected and realized that I was not strange looking… in a bad way anyway. That my ethnic features where to be celebrated and not minimized, because those who saw the appeal in them when I didn’t where free to manipulate and control my sexuality along with the way I felt about them. Disconnect recenter and excuse my beauty, yours and everyone else’s to gain from each other’s experiences. You will be pleasantly surprised and entertained in a much more fulfilling way.